3/17/15

So my dad knows we're back together. That's fine. Michael told me he loved me, kinda. I sent him a picture of dog balls and he texted me back "I love you." So that's pretty cool. I didn't say it back though. I asked him if he wanted to meet me last night and he couldn't. I sometimes feel like I'm not important to him. He won't make time for me. He doesn't give me the attention I desire. I'm trying not to be clingy or whatever, but it's hard. I just feel bad whenever he doesn't text me back. And I know he likes me and wants to be with me, but I think my love language with him is quality time. I love being with him. When we're together, I know he's mine. He gets stupid around me. He's adorable. We went to buy him swim shorts on Thursday and he posted a picture on IG wearing them. OMG HIS BUTT IS SOOO CUTE!!!

He's a doll. 

I can't wait to see him again. I'll probably see him either tomorrow or Thursday. It's like, I'm happy he's going to the gym, getting swole or whatever. But he goes like everyday at the worst times. I wish neither of us needed full-time jobs. I want to spend all of my time with him. We need something. He wants to be some sort of famous person. A rapper. Like I said before, I believe in him. But maybe he needs a back-up plan. I'm probably going to get pregnant and he's going to have to be there. Jk. But he would be. He wouldn't leave me. I know he loves me and he would be there for me. I sent him a picture of the ring I want. He says he'll get it for me. I bought him a G-Shock. A nice looking one. Now will match. But I haven't been able to give it to him yet. I wanted to last night, but NOOO.... he was too busy with H. H is great. He's a cool dude, but I don't know if I want Michael living with him anymore. I kind of want to move in with him just so he can get out of his situation with H. I feel like he's very dependent on other people. But I know, right now, if he wants to get out of his situation, he needs help. I want to help him. And I would if I wasn't terrified of my parents.

I love how Mike says "Polo." It's so cute! Whenever I'm feeling down, I just think of him saying "Polo" or "hoes." I hope our kids look like him. Cute AF, dark hair, brown eyes, cute AF!!!!!!

Nah but I'd like one of the girls to look like me. But I want a boy to look just like him. He'll be a lady killer. But I would teach him to respect women. Boys shouldn't be mean to girls. Girls are sensitive creatures. To me, I feel weak with Michael. I'm so crazy about him, he could hurt me so easily and he doesn't even know it. When he doesn't text me back and I think I'm unimportant, I feel really weak. All I want is to hold on to him. I want to be wrapped in his arms. That's the only time I feel safe. He's there to protect me. Everything is right with the world. I can't wait until we're living together. We're going to have so much fun.

Ugh I just need him right now. I need him to hold me.

I have this vision in my head. The perfect moment with him. We're on the beach (preferably in California), and the sun is setting. Someone takes a picture of our silhouettes, he's holding me, my feet are off the ground, arms around his neck. I have that perfect body I always wanted, wearing my cute pink bikini, and we're kissing, passionately. I want that picture. I want that moment to happen.

I want to go to the beach so bad. Unfortunately, I don't have the body or the time to do that. Michael is so perfect. He's gorgeous, chiseled, funny, kinda smart, and overall amazing.

My looking window is coming soon... I can tell.

I wrote this a year ago today in my journal. I was with my first love. A year later, I'm doing much better. If he tried to get back with me now, I would say no. What he put me through was hell. I would never do it again. I'm smarter now. But I crave the feeling I had for him. It's not smart, but I would have done anything for him. ANYTHING, I was so madly in love. I want to be in love again. I want the feeling, just not with him. 

Risk

Sometimes you hear a song that speaks to you. Literally. I heard a song the other day, Risk by Deftones, and it literally spoke to me. By this I mean, it felt like the song was talking to me the way you would talk to your best friend. It was like the song was holding me, embracing me in a warm hug. I was holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be okay. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while. To me, it was sad. Because that means I don't have an actual human being to make me feel this way. I don't like to complain and that's not what I'm doing here. This just happens to be a difficult time in my life and I'm frustrated that I'm going through it alone. No one should ever have to feel alone.

RISK

You can't talk

I'm anxious

I'm off the walls

I'm right here just

Come outside

And see it

But pack your heart

You might need it

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I'll try for you

You're locked up

You exhaled

You did it before

I seen it

Come outside 

And breathe in 

Relax your arms

And let me in

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I will save your life

I'll try for you

I know what to say to take you

Higher, higher

No one else can take you higher

But I will try

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I will save your life

I'll try for you

For you

Waiting

I was told to stop looking. I was told that the right people would come into my life. I was told to wait. To be patient. But how can i? I've been waiting. I've been patient. Now I have no one. Everyone has left. I'm alone.

I feel like I'm waiting for some kind of miracle. I never thought a miracle would be a person.

I'm Independent, But I Need A Person

I've never been one to rely on other people. But as a people person... I like people. I love people. How can someone as outgoing as me be so lonely? You would think someone like me would have loads of friends. You would think someone like me is always out doing something. Having fun. But that's not the case. I'm a loner. People like me, but they don't take me seriously. People don't bother with trying to make friends with me. And it's hard for me to make friends with them. I have loads of acquaintences. But I wouldn't call anyone I know a friend. People are nice. But I'm hard to understand. It's hard for people to get me. My weirdness and my thought process is difficult to follow.

I don't know what to do. I don't need anyone. But I need someone. I need a friend. I need someone who gets me.

Old Friend (Pt. 2)

You left.

You left me.

I'm alone.

I have no one.

Because you're gone.

Pointless Stories Pt. 1

When I was in 8th grade, I failed algebra. I remember in class when we would grade our own papers and shout the grade out to the teacher. We had the option to go up to her and show her the grade privately if we were ashamed. If I didn't do it, I would just shout out a zero. I didn't do it most days. But when I did do it, I wouldn't get anything higher than a 50. So my parents got me a tutor. I remember the first time I got a 100, my teacher made a big deal out of it... "oh yay! Everyone, Rachael did her homework and didn't fail!"

Luckily, I have a good sense of humor and didn't get offended.