Love Exists, I Just Don't Deserve To Have It

I'm trapped in my mind.
I can't escape.
I've pushed so many people away.
I've isolated myself.
I won't let anyone get too close.
I know why.
No one gives a shit.
I won't burden anyone with my problems.
My problems are all internal.
What am I doing with my life?
Why am I here?
What is the point anymore?
I don't contribute to society.
I can't.
There is nothing I can do.
I try to find something I would like to do.
But my heart isn't set on anything.
I wander through life.
I'm going no where.
With no one.
I have no one.
It's better this way.
I hate myself.
So should everyone else.
If I can't love myself,
How can I expect anyone else to love me?

He didn't really love me.
Words are just words.
Then again,
For someone like me,
Words are everything.
I need attention.
I need admiration.
I wish I wasn't like this.
But I am.
That's just the way it is.
I understand we're in the "real world."
I'm not a fucking moron.
That's why I try so hard to be the best at everything.
That's why I try so hard to be happy in front of people.
That's why I try so hard to not take things seriously.
But it get's bottled up inside.
And a little thing could set me off.

I hate that his stupid, beautiful face keeps popping up in my mind.
I hate that I let him go.
I hate that he left me.
And I hate that I left him.
I hate him for hurting me.
I hate myself for hurting him.
If I couldn't love him, then I can't love anyone.
I don't deserve to feel love.

How the FUCK can one guy have so much power over me when he's not even a part of my life anymore?

I Miss My Person

I miss our semi-drunken conversations. I miss listening to you ramble on about sciencey stuff that interests you. I miss us being friends. I miss talking to you. But it had to end. When I let you go as a lover, I had to let you go as a friend. I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't let you watch as I go out and live my life when you wanted to live it with me. I couldn't take you along when I wanted and leave you when I wanted. It wasn't fair. I'm selfish. And you deserve better. I loved you. But my love is too much. It's an unfair love. Maybe I'm just a psychopath. I don't know. But I do know that I miss you and I wish you were still in my life. I wish you could have been my best friend.

I'm Not Okay

I wanted you to be someone you're not. I wanted you to come after me. I wanted you to chase me. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to constantly feel like you never had me so you would keep putting in effort. And I wanted to feel like I was worth chasing after. That's what I do, I push people away because I want to be chased. I was a queen, and I wanted you to be my king. I wanted to be my overbearing self with you. But I knew you couldn't handle it. You didn't want that. You didn't really love me. Because you didn't know me.