Love Exists, I Just Don't Deserve To Have It

I'm trapped in my mind.
I can't escape.
I've pushed so many people away.
I've isolated myself.
I won't let anyone get too close.
I know why.
No one gives a shit.
I won't burden anyone with my problems.
My problems are all internal.
What am I doing with my life?
Why am I here?
What is the point anymore?
I don't contribute to society.
I can't.
There is nothing I can do.
I try to find something I would like to do.
But my heart isn't set on anything.
I wander through life.
I'm going no where.
With no one.
I have no one.
It's better this way.
I hate myself.
So should everyone else.
If I can't love myself,
How can I expect anyone else to love me?

He didn't really love me.
Words are just words.
Then again,
For someone like me,
Words are everything.
I need attention.
I need admiration.
I wish I wasn't like this.
But I am.
That's just the way it is.
I understand we're in the "real world."
I'm not a fucking moron.
That's why I try so hard to be the best at everything.
That's why I try so hard to be happy in front of people.
That's why I try so hard to not take things seriously.
But it get's bottled up inside.
And a little thing could set me off.

I hate that his stupid, beautiful face keeps popping up in my mind.
I hate that I let him go.
I hate that he left me.
And I hate that I left him.
I hate him for hurting me.
I hate myself for hurting him.
If I couldn't love him, then I can't love anyone.
I don't deserve to feel love.

How the FUCK can one guy have so much power over me when he's not even a part of my life anymore?