Go Faster, You'll Make It (Part 1: Not Quite Rock Bottom)

I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. It's as if my happiness has been turned off. People notice. They see that I'm different. I feel different. I feel sad. Depressed. Like nothing good will ever happen because I don't deserve anything good to happen to me. I feel like a terrible person. I feel like I'm not living the life I'm supposed to live. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I would like to say that I feel "less intelligent" but my long-distance boyfriend says that's not possible... what does he know.

I've tried a lot of things to make myself happy and nothing seems to work. Maybe this is why: I don't stand for anything. I don't have very good character. I don't have a lot of morals. I don't take care of myself. Most of all, I don't know what I want. I feel like I spend a lot of time by myself, but am I really thinking? What do I think about? Normally when I'm in the car, I try to listen to the loudest music I can. As of late, I get a headache when I listen to anything. Everything makes me unhappy. I'm feeling the way I felt when I dumped Mike. Undeserving. Emotionless or sad. There is no in between. My heart gets colder and colder and I get more and more afraid of becoming what I vowed to never be. I'm terrified of becoming a bitter, single woman. I want to be lovable. I want people to want to be around me. I want to not hate everyone and everything. I get mad at myself because I don't want to bring other people down with my attitude and bitterness, but I still want to be around people. I usually love people. But every now and then, I get in these depressing slumps and I have no clue how to get out.

Maybe I'm learning a lesson. Don't use people. Don't lead people on. Be real with people. Stop flirting with everyone and manipulating them. Hold out for someone special. Make deep connections. I'm looking for something spiritual with someone. My dad says I need a spiritual connection with God, but how do I even know He's there?

I need to make a change. I'm 20. I'm too young to be feeling like this. Lost and alone.

Eventually, when I get back to the intelligent, fun girl I used to be, I will get back to my informative posts, but for now, Rachael needs to find herself.