My best writing comes straight from the heart. When I'm in love or when I'm really sad or really angry, that's when I feel inspired to write. That's when my deepest feelings and emotions are able to express themselves. It allows me to think about the situation I'm in. That being said, right now is a really great time for me to get some stuff done.
In my oh so many years of dating experience (that's slightly sarcastic), I've come to learn that I'm really not cut out for it. Or maybe, I just don't fall for the right people. Ever. My longest relationship was 5 months. It would have lasted longer if he wasn't obviously a bad guy or if I was an idiot. Bad relationships last longer than they should for one of two reasons (or in some cases, both reasons). The sex is good, or one person continues to put in effort and the other takes advantage of it.When I was young and naive, I would fall for a guy and he would become my world. I put in the best effort I knew how. I would typically expect the same in return. I want someone who is head over heels for me as I am them. Someone who would make me a big priority in their life. But rarely did that ever happen. I've only really truly loved one or two people in my life. Mike, the most memorable love of my life, shattered my heart when I was 18. He disappeared and I spent an entire year feeling sorry for myself, whoring around, looking for someone that would remind me of him. That's when I was with the worst human that I had ever met. 5 verbally, emotionally, and towards the end, physically abusive months. Wasted. After a while, fate brought Mike and I back together, but things weren't the same... I had changed. I think he was ready for me, but I didn't realize I had moved on. In that year, I had realized my potential. I had blossomed into a beautiful, fun young woman that people (men mostly) adored. I loved the attention. I crave it. It's not a flaw, it's just what I like. I get plenty of attention at home. I'm an only child and I've always been the center of attention. I think of myself as a natural born performer. My point is, his attention was no longer relevant to me. He was nothing. He no longer mattered. I knew I was worth more and I could do better.
Fast forward, I haven't been in a relationship since... until now. It's been a rough ride with this guy. Like any relationship, it starts out really well. We have a lot of fun. We start to like each other a lot. We just kinda, get to know each other. Once we start getting more comfortable, our true faces start to come out. For me, I have an issue with the guys I'm with putting their friends (especially girl friends) above me. I have an issue with being "juiced." I heard this term from Mr. 5 Months and I've used it ever since. It's when you lead someone on to think y'all are gonna hang, then you back out/cancel last minute. You would think I'd be used to this by now. Guys do this to me all the time. "I can't hang tonight, something came up." "sorry hun, I'm pretty tired and I'm not up to chill." I can tell you I've never ever juiced anyone before. When I fall for someone, they become my world. I want to give them the type of attention that I want. I want to give them everything I have. But I've learned that when you do that for the wrong person, they use you or leave you. So I learned to not give someone my all. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel loved. I want to be their priority. But of course, that never happens. I'm never a priority to anyone. I'm never loved. No one ever makes me feel like I'm important. So I'm left with a cold heart, iced over with disappointment.
I think there was somewhere I was trying to go with that last paragraph, but of course, when you write something in the spur of your emotional breakdown, your thoughts go everywhere and you end up somewhere you didn't think of when you started. That's writing from the heart.
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