Trust Yourself, Love Yourself

It's the moments when you see something funny or something strange happens to you. It's the moments when you receive good or bad news. It's the moments when you have sudden realizations about yourself, you wish they were there. You wish the person you once loved still loved you. You wish things were different. But things just didn't work out. You hope desperately for them to come back to you, but you know deep inside, they won't. Even if they did, it wouldn't matter. You've reached the final straw. You hurt them a million times and they kept taking you back. But when you're the one that gets hurt, it's all over. You cry at night. Your heart is shattered. But you are strong. You know inside that you can be happy.

You constantly think back to what went wrong. You were lied to, abused, hurt, unappreciated. You were taken advantage of. And when you tried to explain how you felt, they didn't care. They didn't change. They couldn't understand the pain you felt, so you just went along like you didn't feel anything. You pretended like it was nothing. Like you were wrong and just overthinking. You assume the worst because of things that happened in the past. You know better than to assume, but your instincts tell you otherwise. Somehow you knew there was a lot more going on than just "talking" to another. You knew there was a lot more going on than just "giving her a place to stay for the night." You knew these were lies. Your trust was lost a long time ago and you kept taking them back. You were too caring. Too in love. Too naive. And when the time came, you were too smart. It was then that you realized overthinking isn't always a bad thing.

What did you expect? Two extremely hard-headed people trying to make a relationship work. Neither of you could swallow your pride long enough to make something like that work. Maybe it wasn't really love. It was just infatuation. You would get excited at the thought of being with them, but then when you were together, you would fight. You let your pride get in the way. But so did they.

But this failed relationship didn't break you. It made you stronger. You know now what you don't need in a person. You don't need someone who thinks they need to find comfort in other people. You don't need someone who can look you in the eye and lie to you about anything. You don't need someone who can openly admit they are a "bullshitter." You don't need someone who can tell you you are the ONLY one for them, then blow that person off, and go off with someone else when things get hard. You don't need someone who gets aggressive with you when you want to leave. You don't need someone who doesn't take you seriously. You don't need someone who gets mad and tells you to your face that you're being annoying. You don't need someone who overall just gives you bad vibes. You don't need someone who makes you feel bad about anything. If you are wanting to break it off, you shouldn't feel bad. If you don't feel it anymore, leave. It's okay. If you know that person is not your person, IT IS OKAY. There is someone out there for you. Just stop trying to find them. They will come to you. And it will be unexpected.

It's okay to be single and happy. It's okay to not care what other people think. It's okay to be yourself. The right people will find their way into your life. Of all the things you could learn in life, there is one thing you should always remember; YOU are the only person you can really trust. Once you learn to love yourself, things will fall into place. It's okay not to be there yet. It takes time. It takes pain and hurting to learn these things. You need to go through these heartbreaks and bad experiences so you can learn from them. Life wouldn't be any fun if we didn't have challenges and hard times.

Don't wear your heart on a sleeve. Be wary. Love people, but don't give yourself to them easily.

- Rachael

Thank you J for giving me good times. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. But like I always told you, you're gonna find someone better. Someone that I can't even compare to. And you'll look at me as a waste of time. I know that I'll be happier. And I know you will too...... Eventuallyyyyyyyyy.
But really, you were great. I loved you. I hope life is good to you. Kisses :)

Breathe

Like anyone else my age, I'm on social media quite excessively. One of the hashtags I follow consistently is '#textpost.' There are some pretty funny memes and a bunch of weird fandom things (Doctor Who, Supernatural, etc.) that I don't really understand. It's still funny though. Then there are the occasional posts about LGBTQ, politics, feminist stuff, and other modern movements. I've noticed that for a good majority of these movements, there are only two sides. You're either pro choice or pro life. Pro gay or anti gay. YAS Donald Trump or NAH Donald Trump. It's confusing for someone like myself. We're easily swayed by either side because they both have good points.

Yeah, it is a woman's body. She should have a choice. But that is a life inside her. Yeah, if she gets raped, I think she should definitely have a choice. But adoption is always an option.

Yeah gay people are humans too. But I do think it is a choice to be gay or not. Yeah, you should be free to love whomever you want. But scientifically speaking, being gay isn't natural. I personally think it's a mental thing.

Yeah, Donald Trump is a businessman. A good one. He would totally fix all the financial problems in America. But he is kind of an idiot. To me it seems like people are only talking about the immigration thing. But I don't really keep up with politics.

I try not to discuss these things with people for fear of somehow being wrong. I have always hated arguing. I always lose. Even when I am right and I have the facts to prove it, I still end up being wrong. Maybe I'm bad at debate. Maybe I just hate being "proven" wrong. I care a lot about what people think about me. Too much. WAYYYY too much. I care so much that I will conform to whatever their views are so they'll either like me or leave me alone. I can honestly say I'm the most fake person I know. I'm a new person every day. I'm different with everyone I meet. Maybe that's why I get along with most people. But I'm never myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I had a conversation with my ex when we were still together about this. I told him that I don't know who I am. He says to me, "You are who you are now. You are you. You have the power to be whoever you want to be. But you will always be you," or something like that. Now, he thought on a much deeper level than me, so I don't know what he meant when he said that. But if you're reading this and you understand that, there you go. Happy Birthday...

Here's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately; mental illness. I am really on the fence about this. I've mostly believed that mental illness/depression/anxiety is just a myth. It's not real. You have the power to control your attitude and emotions. But lately, that doesn't seem to be accurate. I've been feeling extremely down. Like I'm just existing. Worrying. Always feeling anxious about every little thing. I'm paranoid about things that don't matter. I don't live in the moment. How can I when I don't have moments that are worth living in? I'm trying so hard to be someone I'm not, I've become a hateful person. I hate everything around me. I'm judgmental. I don't have the positive outlook on life I once had. I want that back. I want to stop caring what everyone around me thinks. I want to stop trying to make myself look decent in my parents eyes. I want to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to be happy with myself. Unfortunately, there is no switch you can just flip on or off. It's something you have to constantly work at. Remind yourself, breathe. Don't worry. It'll all be okay. Whatever is stressing you out, let it go. There is absolutely NOTHING in this world worth hurting yourself over. There is NOTHING worth the emotional turmoil you put yourself through. Remind yourself not to stress over things you can't control. Drink water. Go for a walk. Listen to your favorite song. Read a book. Get your mind off the thing. As a wise man once said, "In the end, it doesn't even matter."

It's okay to be happy. It's okay to get sad. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE EMOTIONS. AND IT IS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF.

- Rachael