Breathe

Like anyone else my age, I'm on social media quite excessively. One of the hashtags I follow consistently is '#textpost.' There are some pretty funny memes and a bunch of weird fandom things (Doctor Who, Supernatural, etc.) that I don't really understand. It's still funny though. Then there are the occasional posts about LGBTQ, politics, feminist stuff, and other modern movements. I've noticed that for a good majority of these movements, there are only two sides. You're either pro choice or pro life. Pro gay or anti gay. YAS Donald Trump or NAH Donald Trump. It's confusing for someone like myself. We're easily swayed by either side because they both have good points.

Yeah, it is a woman's body. She should have a choice. But that is a life inside her. Yeah, if she gets raped, I think she should definitely have a choice. But adoption is always an option.

Yeah gay people are humans too. But I do think it is a choice to be gay or not. Yeah, you should be free to love whomever you want. But scientifically speaking, being gay isn't natural. I personally think it's a mental thing.

Yeah, Donald Trump is a businessman. A good one. He would totally fix all the financial problems in America. But he is kind of an idiot. To me it seems like people are only talking about the immigration thing. But I don't really keep up with politics.

I try not to discuss these things with people for fear of somehow being wrong. I have always hated arguing. I always lose. Even when I am right and I have the facts to prove it, I still end up being wrong. Maybe I'm bad at debate. Maybe I just hate being "proven" wrong. I care a lot about what people think about me. Too much. WAYYYY too much. I care so much that I will conform to whatever their views are so they'll either like me or leave me alone. I can honestly say I'm the most fake person I know. I'm a new person every day. I'm different with everyone I meet. Maybe that's why I get along with most people. But I'm never myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I had a conversation with my ex when we were still together about this. I told him that I don't know who I am. He says to me, "You are who you are now. You are you. You have the power to be whoever you want to be. But you will always be you," or something like that. Now, he thought on a much deeper level than me, so I don't know what he meant when he said that. But if you're reading this and you understand that, there you go. Happy Birthday...

Here's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately; mental illness. I am really on the fence about this. I've mostly believed that mental illness/depression/anxiety is just a myth. It's not real. You have the power to control your attitude and emotions. But lately, that doesn't seem to be accurate. I've been feeling extremely down. Like I'm just existing. Worrying. Always feeling anxious about every little thing. I'm paranoid about things that don't matter. I don't live in the moment. How can I when I don't have moments that are worth living in? I'm trying so hard to be someone I'm not, I've become a hateful person. I hate everything around me. I'm judgmental. I don't have the positive outlook on life I once had. I want that back. I want to stop caring what everyone around me thinks. I want to stop trying to make myself look decent in my parents eyes. I want to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to be happy with myself. Unfortunately, there is no switch you can just flip on or off. It's something you have to constantly work at. Remind yourself, breathe. Don't worry. It'll all be okay. Whatever is stressing you out, let it go. There is absolutely NOTHING in this world worth hurting yourself over. There is NOTHING worth the emotional turmoil you put yourself through. Remind yourself not to stress over things you can't control. Drink water. Go for a walk. Listen to your favorite song. Read a book. Get your mind off the thing. As a wise man once said, "In the end, it doesn't even matter."

It's okay to be happy. It's okay to get sad. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE EMOTIONS. AND IT IS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF.

- Rachael