I Thought I Loved You

I did love you at one point. For the entire year you were gone, I thought I was in love with you. I went through countless relationships trying to find what I felt for you. I cried on other men's shoulders over you. But I couldn't find another you. You put me into a terribly dark place when you first left me. A place that I'm scared of now. When I found you again, that place came back to haunt me. I couldn't fall in love with you. I couldn't feel vulnerable again. I couldn't get hurt again. I wanted things to work out, but I knew that they couldn't. I tried to fight the overwhelming feelings, but it was too much. I tried to love you, but I couldn't, and I'm sorry. 

It's stupid how things work out. I finally got what I wanted after all this time. But after all that time, I come to find that what I wanted had changed. I used to blame you for the way I am. For the way I treated men. But now I realize, it's all me. I don't want to be this way. I didn't want to walk all over you like I did with so many others. You were different. That's why it had to end. You deserve better. It's funny really, that's what you told me when you left me. It was true at the time, and I did find better. But I never cared. So many people thought that feeding my ego was all I needed to fall for them. You starved me of attention. A year ago, it made me want you more. But now, it's nothing. I don't know what I want and it's not fair to you to be with someone like that. I don't even know where my life is going, how could I possibly handle a relationship that scares me? 

I never meant to manipulate you. Honestly, I don't think I did. Not intentionally anyways. I was internally fighting my feelings. You made me happy mostly. But there was always that sliver of doubt. I never felt like I could be myself because I always felt like I had to watch what I said. I was scared that I might say or do something stupid that would make you leave me. You knew and I knew that was not good in a relationship. 

It hurts me to think of you being happy with someone else. But I know that's going to happen. You're an amazing guy and I'm a stupid girl for letting you go. I hate myself for it and I do regret it. But I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. I loved you. I still love you, just not the way you love me. I want to take care of you. I want to be there for you. I want to be your best friend, but the way things are, you don't want that. 

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I've manipulated guys without even realizing it. And for what? I don't get anything out of it. I like people until they start to like me back. It's doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. I'm a retarded girl. You said it yourself. 

Sometimes I forget a relationship is more than just kissing and holding hands. You need to be able to go out together and do things. Like dates and stuff. I hate the idea of going out. I'm too awkward and uncomfortable. I enjoy the boring "Netflix and chill" life. I'm so stuck in my boring life that thinking of going out and doing anything entertaining is scary. I want to get out of that mentality. But it takes time and you don't want to be around to help me. 

I loved you. I tried. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, I hope you're happy. I hope you find what you're looking for in life. I hope I do too. I'll always be around for you. 

- Rachael

The Passive-Agressive Post That Will Never Be Released...

NOTE: This post was originally written on Feb. 14, 2016. I never posted it because I could have gotten into a lot of trouble at my job. It was about a specific person I worked with who just so happened to be very close with the manager. So I would have gotten in trouble, because our boss was very biased. This was another piece I felt very passionate about writing. So naturally, I would never want it to go to waste, just sitting in my drafts. 

People love to gossip. It's human nature. We like to know what goes on in other people's lives. It helps us to feel like we're involved in someone's life. But it can also be a terrible habit when used in a negative way.

"Great minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Small minds discuss people."

I do not have a small mind usually, but I'm going to for the next few minutes as I write this post. I was going to try to put everything nicely and sugar coat all of this, but I'm feeling pretty lit about this situation and what happened. Normally, I like to take a situation and make it some general thing that can apply to everyone, but no. I'm pretty pissed about this.

People like you out of fear. They don't want to get on your "bad-side." BITCH if you got a "bad side" that is so terrible people should be scared, you need to reevaluate yourself. Reevaluate your personality. You're not respected. I would love to have people dislike me because they don't like who I am, rather than fear me because I could "ruin' them. What the FUCK can you really do? Get me fired from a job I don't need? BITCH you would be doing me a favor! But you know something? People like me. They don't fear me. They don't have to. I would never intentionally do anything to anyone to hurt anyone. I can act mean sometimes, but I'm never actually mean. But right now, as it is, I feel like being super mean. To you. No one else. Just you. Because you deserve it. No one has ever tried to put you in your place. I would, but it's not my job to. That's up to God how He wants that to happen. Besides, you aren't worth my time. After this post, your name will NEVER leave my mouth. I will NEVER look in your direction. I will NEVER ask you for anything. I'm sure you would be thrilled to find this out. Consider this my Valentine's gift to you.

I'm not afraid of you. There is nothing you can do to to hurt me.

To those who might be reading this (which is a very slim group of people) and are confused as to what is going on, basically, a bitch I work with passive-aggressively called me out in the middle of a meeting for being a "slut" or "flirt" or whatever, at work. (I can't help that I'm so pretty and nice and that's why guys like me.) Of course she denies it, but we all know that's not true. Especially me, because I do the exact same shit.

I would like to take a little moment here to the people who wouldn't address the problem who knew about it and it was YOUR JOB to address. You are worse than the person this post is about. Stop living in fear of a PERSON. A person who should have ZERO influence in your life. A person who is NOTHING. You are going NO WHERE. If someone ever says something negative to you about another person, you shouldn't talk to them. There is a saying "If someone gossips to you about someone else, they're probably gossiping ABOUT you to someone else." Don't be the person gossiping, because that person may lose trust for you as well....

So the lesson today is don't be a fucking bitch. If you have something to say to someone, tell them to their face. Don't be passive aggressive in front of a huge group of people. Because more than likely, depending on the crowd, everyone might know what's going on and it could cause someone to do something like passive-aggressively write a blog post on the internet. You get what you give.

"Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you"
- Plain White T's

Cunt.

-Rachael

Things I'm Learning (Pt. 1)

NOTE: This post was originally written Jan. 15, 2016. I got into some trouble over this post so I took it down for awhile. I am re-posting it now because, well... I can. It's my writing. It's one of my favorite things I've written. When I wrote this, I felt very passionate about what I was saying. Anything that makes me feel passionate about my writing is something I think deserves to be published, regardless of the consequences. 

As we grow older, we learn new things. Obviously that's going to happen. I've gone through a lot just in the past year. Seems as if I'm in that weird phase in my life where I'm figuring things out for myself and learning lessons on my own. I've had my heart broken so much, I've been hurt terribly, and I have hurt people. As much as I hate to say it, these things had to happen. The people who hurt you teach you to not give yourself away too easy. You harden your heart and that's okay. You find out what you do and don't like in a person. After I dated J, I realized how much I really don't like someone who is dependent on me. You shouldn't be with someone who feeds off of your happiness. It's especially hard for happy, optimistic people like me. We have so much love and positivity to give, but we tend to get taken advantage of because we like to make others happy. But of course, we learn from the hurt we experience. You can't make everyone happy. It's impossible. But that's okay. There are some people that just don't want to be happy. There are people that envy happy people so much that they go out of their way to bring them down. That is a huge lesson I've learned in the past few months.

I work with a woman who I think is a really negative person. She likes to talk a lot about things I think are totally pointless. But then again, I think a lot of the things the people I work with talk about are pointless. (I don't relate to anyone there.) This particular lady is very outspoken and "honest." By "honest," I mean she likes to share her own opinion that no one really asked for. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but basically, I always feel like I'm being judged by her... Because I am being judged by her. I don't care what her opinion of me is. She is irrelevant to my life, but I don't like the way she internally brings down other people. To me, she tries to be all high and mighty but really, she's insecure. She puts others down to feel good about herself. The sad things is, there are so many more people out there just like that. I sometimes wonder how a person can do that. Yes, I will admit I have had cruel thoughts of people I do and don't know, but I would never say them aloud. Saying those things doesn't make you honest, it makes you a word that I choose not to use..... It starts with a B.

The way I look at it, you shouldn't really even be thinking hurtful things about anyone. I try my best to see the good in everyone. I have always done that, but when you are placed into an environment where everyone is judgmental, you could become like that. "Birds of a feather flock together."

It's been said that the best way to keep a positive aura is to constantly be feeding yourself positivity. Everyday, tell yourself positive affirmations.
"I am strong."
"I am beautiful"
"I am happy."
When you say these things, you put that out into the universe. There is a difference between positive affirmations and having a big ego. An ego can be something you use to tell yourself how much better you are than other people. A positive affirmation doesn't tear anyone else down, but rather builds yourself up. It gives you a good, healthy amount of self-esteem. Whenever you start to think negatively about yourself, catch yourself and redirect your thoughts. You might not believe what you're saying to yourself at first, but soon enough, you'll start to notice changes. You will look in the mirror and you'll look different. You will be pleased with yourself. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I am close to happy with what I see. Yes, I have physical flaws. Scarring, acne, large pores, a weird nose... But you'll start to see your flaws differently. You'll realize that these are the things you're stuck with. These flaws are a part of you. As you think more positively about yourself, you will realize how these flaws make you unique and beautiful. Embrace your flaws.

Due to the fact that I have not written in a very long time, I could go on and on and on about lessons I've learned this past year, but I will spare you... This time. I have received comments saying my posts are really long, so I will be working on that. I know people nowadays have shorter attention spans thanks to apps like Vine, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.

I would like to share a little goal setting with you. I am planning to post much more often and get back into writing. I started my book, hopefully I can finish it this year. My blog goals are to post a "long," topic-based post twice a month (15th and 30th), and short little devotionals/quotes/poems every day or so. 2016 will be a great year full of change for Rachael.

God bless you and God bless America
- Rachael

Light Flow?

I have a million things that go through my head. You would think I'm high all the time. I'm not. But I feel as though the thoughts race through my mind at 100mph. I can never get it all down on paper. Words don't flow like they used to. I've been writing lately about my day and what happened and how it makes me feel in that moment. I've been writing about a boy who makes me feel a whirlwind of emotions. But nothing worth publishing. When I was younger, I liked to write poetry. It sucked, but I liked it. Words flowed then. But now, it's like I'm writing the same thing over and over again. I want to be inspired. I want a story. I'm one of those people that starts something really good, but never finishes. I lose interest and it kills me. But I'm trying.

Not Enough

You can try as hard as possible to be what someone needs, but there could be someone else who already has it.