I Thought I Loved You

I did love you at one point. For the entire year you were gone, I thought I was in love with you. I went through countless relationships trying to find what I felt for you. I cried on other men's shoulders over you. But I couldn't find another you. You put me into a terribly dark place when you first left me. A place that I'm scared of now. When I found you again, that place came back to haunt me. I couldn't fall in love with you. I couldn't feel vulnerable again. I couldn't get hurt again. I wanted things to work out, but I knew that they couldn't. I tried to fight the overwhelming feelings, but it was too much. I tried to love you, but I couldn't, and I'm sorry. 

It's stupid how things work out. I finally got what I wanted after all this time. But after all that time, I come to find that what I wanted had changed. I used to blame you for the way I am. For the way I treated men. But now I realize, it's all me. I don't want to be this way. I didn't want to walk all over you like I did with so many others. You were different. That's why it had to end. You deserve better. It's funny really, that's what you told me when you left me. It was true at the time, and I did find better. But I never cared. So many people thought that feeding my ego was all I needed to fall for them. You starved me of attention. A year ago, it made me want you more. But now, it's nothing. I don't know what I want and it's not fair to you to be with someone like that. I don't even know where my life is going, how could I possibly handle a relationship that scares me? 

I never meant to manipulate you. Honestly, I don't think I did. Not intentionally anyways. I was internally fighting my feelings. You made me happy mostly. But there was always that sliver of doubt. I never felt like I could be myself because I always felt like I had to watch what I said. I was scared that I might say or do something stupid that would make you leave me. You knew and I knew that was not good in a relationship. 

It hurts me to think of you being happy with someone else. But I know that's going to happen. You're an amazing guy and I'm a stupid girl for letting you go. I hate myself for it and I do regret it. But I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. I loved you. I still love you, just not the way you love me. I want to take care of you. I want to be there for you. I want to be your best friend, but the way things are, you don't want that. 

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I've manipulated guys without even realizing it. And for what? I don't get anything out of it. I like people until they start to like me back. It's doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. I'm a retarded girl. You said it yourself. 

Sometimes I forget a relationship is more than just kissing and holding hands. You need to be able to go out together and do things. Like dates and stuff. I hate the idea of going out. I'm too awkward and uncomfortable. I enjoy the boring "Netflix and chill" life. I'm so stuck in my boring life that thinking of going out and doing anything entertaining is scary. I want to get out of that mentality. But it takes time and you don't want to be around to help me. 

I loved you. I tried. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, I hope you're happy. I hope you find what you're looking for in life. I hope I do too. I'll always be around for you. 

- Rachael