Trust Yourself, Love Yourself

It's the moments when you see something funny or something strange happens to you. It's the moments when you receive good or bad news. It's the moments when you have sudden realizations about yourself, you wish they were there. You wish the person you once loved still loved you. You wish things were different. But things just didn't work out. You hope desperately for them to come back to you, but you know deep inside, they won't. Even if they did, it wouldn't matter. You've reached the final straw. You hurt them a million times and they kept taking you back. But when you're the one that gets hurt, it's all over. You cry at night. Your heart is shattered. But you are strong. You know inside that you can be happy.

You constantly think back to what went wrong. You were lied to, abused, hurt, unappreciated. You were taken advantage of. And when you tried to explain how you felt, they didn't care. They didn't change. They couldn't understand the pain you felt, so you just went along like you didn't feel anything. You pretended like it was nothing. Like you were wrong and just overthinking. You assume the worst because of things that happened in the past. You know better than to assume, but your instincts tell you otherwise. Somehow you knew there was a lot more going on than just "talking" to another. You knew there was a lot more going on than just "giving her a place to stay for the night." You knew these were lies. Your trust was lost a long time ago and you kept taking them back. You were too caring. Too in love. Too naive. And when the time came, you were too smart. It was then that you realized overthinking isn't always a bad thing.

What did you expect? Two extremely hard-headed people trying to make a relationship work. Neither of you could swallow your pride long enough to make something like that work. Maybe it wasn't really love. It was just infatuation. You would get excited at the thought of being with them, but then when you were together, you would fight. You let your pride get in the way. But so did they.

But this failed relationship didn't break you. It made you stronger. You know now what you don't need in a person. You don't need someone who thinks they need to find comfort in other people. You don't need someone who can look you in the eye and lie to you about anything. You don't need someone who can openly admit they are a "bullshitter." You don't need someone who can tell you you are the ONLY one for them, then blow that person off, and go off with someone else when things get hard. You don't need someone who gets aggressive with you when you want to leave. You don't need someone who doesn't take you seriously. You don't need someone who gets mad and tells you to your face that you're being annoying. You don't need someone who overall just gives you bad vibes. You don't need someone who makes you feel bad about anything. If you are wanting to break it off, you shouldn't feel bad. If you don't feel it anymore, leave. It's okay. If you know that person is not your person, IT IS OKAY. There is someone out there for you. Just stop trying to find them. They will come to you. And it will be unexpected.

It's okay to be single and happy. It's okay to not care what other people think. It's okay to be yourself. The right people will find their way into your life. Of all the things you could learn in life, there is one thing you should always remember; YOU are the only person you can really trust. Once you learn to love yourself, things will fall into place. It's okay not to be there yet. It takes time. It takes pain and hurting to learn these things. You need to go through these heartbreaks and bad experiences so you can learn from them. Life wouldn't be any fun if we didn't have challenges and hard times.

Don't wear your heart on a sleeve. Be wary. Love people, but don't give yourself to them easily.

- Rachael

Thank you J for giving me good times. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. But like I always told you, you're gonna find someone better. Someone that I can't even compare to. And you'll look at me as a waste of time. I know that I'll be happier. And I know you will too...... Eventuallyyyyyyyyy.
But really, you were great. I loved you. I hope life is good to you. Kisses :)

Breathe

Like anyone else my age, I'm on social media quite excessively. One of the hashtags I follow consistently is '#textpost.' There are some pretty funny memes and a bunch of weird fandom things (Doctor Who, Supernatural, etc.) that I don't really understand. It's still funny though. Then there are the occasional posts about LGBTQ, politics, feminist stuff, and other modern movements. I've noticed that for a good majority of these movements, there are only two sides. You're either pro choice or pro life. Pro gay or anti gay. YAS Donald Trump or NAH Donald Trump. It's confusing for someone like myself. We're easily swayed by either side because they both have good points.

Yeah, it is a woman's body. She should have a choice. But that is a life inside her. Yeah, if she gets raped, I think she should definitely have a choice. But adoption is always an option.

Yeah gay people are humans too. But I do think it is a choice to be gay or not. Yeah, you should be free to love whomever you want. But scientifically speaking, being gay isn't natural. I personally think it's a mental thing.

Yeah, Donald Trump is a businessman. A good one. He would totally fix all the financial problems in America. But he is kind of an idiot. To me it seems like people are only talking about the immigration thing. But I don't really keep up with politics.

I try not to discuss these things with people for fear of somehow being wrong. I have always hated arguing. I always lose. Even when I am right and I have the facts to prove it, I still end up being wrong. Maybe I'm bad at debate. Maybe I just hate being "proven" wrong. I care a lot about what people think about me. Too much. WAYYYY too much. I care so much that I will conform to whatever their views are so they'll either like me or leave me alone. I can honestly say I'm the most fake person I know. I'm a new person every day. I'm different with everyone I meet. Maybe that's why I get along with most people. But I'm never myself. I don't even know who I am anymore. I had a conversation with my ex when we were still together about this. I told him that I don't know who I am. He says to me, "You are who you are now. You are you. You have the power to be whoever you want to be. But you will always be you," or something like that. Now, he thought on a much deeper level than me, so I don't know what he meant when he said that. But if you're reading this and you understand that, there you go. Happy Birthday...

Here's something that I've been thinking about a lot lately; mental illness. I am really on the fence about this. I've mostly believed that mental illness/depression/anxiety is just a myth. It's not real. You have the power to control your attitude and emotions. But lately, that doesn't seem to be accurate. I've been feeling extremely down. Like I'm just existing. Worrying. Always feeling anxious about every little thing. I'm paranoid about things that don't matter. I don't live in the moment. How can I when I don't have moments that are worth living in? I'm trying so hard to be someone I'm not, I've become a hateful person. I hate everything around me. I'm judgmental. I don't have the positive outlook on life I once had. I want that back. I want to stop caring what everyone around me thinks. I want to stop trying to make myself look decent in my parents eyes. I want to stop pretending to be someone I'm not. I want to be happy with myself. Unfortunately, there is no switch you can just flip on or off. It's something you have to constantly work at. Remind yourself, breathe. Don't worry. It'll all be okay. Whatever is stressing you out, let it go. There is absolutely NOTHING in this world worth hurting yourself over. There is NOTHING worth the emotional turmoil you put yourself through. Remind yourself not to stress over things you can't control. Drink water. Go for a walk. Listen to your favorite song. Read a book. Get your mind off the thing. As a wise man once said, "In the end, it doesn't even matter."

It's okay to be happy. It's okay to get sad. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE EMOTIONS. AND IT IS OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF.

- Rachael

Get Uncomfortable

It scares me to watch or read the news anymore. Partially because the things reported on are actually scary. But mostly because the top news stories I see on Google, Facebook, and other media outlets are so ridiculously stupid! We're so obsessed with meaningless nonsense and "entertainment," and we are blinded to the things that really matter. We're so concerned with a "Caitlyn Jenner Halloween Costume" when we should be concerned with the crippling debt on our hands. We're so anxious about celebrity birthday parties that we can't bare to think about our future as a nation. We are fed lies through the media and blinded by entertainment so that we are unaware of what is really going on. And the saddest thing of all is that we already know this is going on. So many people know there is 'something' going on in the government. There is 'something' going on in the world. Do we even know what it is? Do we want to know? So many Americans are stuck with the wool pulled over their eyes. But we refuse to believe it. We are too afraid to leave our comfort zones. We believe that our purpose on Earth is to live our life, raise a family and die. We don't ever do anything for the greater good. We expect the government and our jobs to take care of us.

WAKE UP! The government is not here to take care of you. We take care of them. Without the people, the government has no power. Who are they going to rule over? The people have so much power and they don't even know it. But there are so many too afraid to stand up and say something ain't right. No. I'm not saying to stop paying your taxes. No, don't start rioting in the streets (although that kinda sounds fun to me). I'm just informing the people that they have the power. But they are blind. They don't know. How can they if they have never been told? 

If you're one of the many people who are blinded, then you're probably a little confused as to what I'm even talking about. Let me shed some light with an example. 

Let's say you have a full time job. Your spouse has a full time job. One or both of you went to college and now you have student loan debt. You buy a house: mortgage payment. You finance two vehicles: car payments. You get some kids. You send them to school while you are at work. But you know deep down inside all you want to do is stay home with them and raise your family. You hate your job, yet you give your best hours of your day to it. Why? Because you have no choice. And you wonder how you got into this position. Let me tell you. Every single day, you are marketed to. You see ads about financing literally ANYTHING. You were brought up to think it's the "normal" thing to do. You were taught that everyone is in debt and that's just the way the world is. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind, you want more. Not just more money, because that wouldn't fix anything. But you want time. You want to LIVE your life, not just slave it away in an office, making money for someone else. You know, that is what you're doing at a job right? Someone hires you to make them wealthy. To make their dreams come true. That doesn't make your boss or the owner of your company a bad person. It means they had the courage to do something else. They didn't want to be a slave to the dollar. They leveraged the dollar and their time to make it work for them.

Hopefully by now you see what I am trying to get at. The question now is, "How do I do that?" This is where the information comes in. It's out there. The information wants to be found. People all the time are given opportunities to live the way they want to and not the way their boss wants them to. But they don't take these opportunities because they are afraid of the unknown. So all I ask is that when you are presented with an opportunity, take a chance on it. Try it out. Don't automatically assume the worst. How can you know what is possible if you don't ever take a risk?

Now, I'm no rebel. I'm no freedom fighter. You might ask, "What credibility do you have? What credentials do you have?" Well honestly, I don't have any. But I do have information. That's all you need right? We are in the information age after all.... You can easily find out absolutely anything you ever wanted to know simply by typing it on a little device that fits in your pocket. Whether you want to believe it or not, that's up to you. But that doesn't make it any more or less true. 

I don't really know where I go with posts like these, but the point of this one is to take risks. Travel to the unknown. Get uncomfortable. Do something that scares you. But here is one thing I ask, DO NOT read this and be inspired for a minute (if you're inspired at all). Set goals. Motivate yourself. Or find something that motivates you to become a better person. Because really, isn't that our sole purpose in life? Be the best we can be so that we can help and influence others?

Take this information and apply it in your daily life. Live every day like it was your last. Never waste a single moment.

- Rachael

Strange Enough

It's hard. Sometimes we rush into things not thinking about the future. We are vulnerable, we fall in love too quickly. We say the words too soon. We make promises we can't keep. And we end up getting hurt, or hurting someone else. Our mind changes. We had something new and exciting to distract us from the things we need to do and the decisions we have to make. Our lives and responsibilities catch up to us. And we have to choose. And it's the hardest decision we can make. One path will lead us to the future we always envisioned for ourselves. And the other path we do not know where it will lead. 

I have been told that you never know what the future has in store. But I grew up with the principle of long-term vision. Whatever you want in the future, you can have with hard work and dedication. Keep your eyes on your dream. Don't get distracted. But for someone who runs mainly on emotion, it's hard. Our heart tells us one thing. Our brain tells us something else. We are told to follow our hearts, but listen to reason and logic. So we are left confused, helpless. It's true that the people closest to us only want the best for us. But we are the only ones who know what is truly best for us. 

Growing up the way I did, I am conflicted a lot. I grew up around a great community of leaders and entrepreneurs. A strong, family-friendly, Christian environment. I grew up learning principles of success and business ownership. But as I get older and the friends I have get older and I meet new people, I get newer ideas. I was raised to learn from other peoples mistakes and experiences. But I am starting to see that I have to make my own mistakes. I'm a smart girl and I know right from wrong. I know not to jump off a bridge just because my friends are doing it (unless there is a bungee cord involved). I have high expectations put on me. They're not unreasonable, but they are scary for me. I have fear. Just like anyone else. It's hard though. I'm not like most people my age. I'm not trying to say I'm anymore special than the next 19 year old. What I am saying is that I learned different information growing up than people twice, even three times my age. Most people know to go to school, get good grades, and get a secure job with benefits. What they don't tell you is that by doing this, you are becoming a slave to someone else, believing that you're given a good deal because you get paid. We are taught to finance everything and be a slave to debt. It forces us to stay in a job we absolutely hate so we can keep up with the payments. 

Okay, I may be getting side tracked... 

My point of this post is that we are conflicted. We are told one thing, then we are told something else. We have so many different sources of input that we can't listen to ourselves. "What does your heart tell you?" I don't know. It's been corrupted with the ideas of others. I try my best to isolate myself from others for an hour or so everyday so I have time to listen to myself and get my thoughts written down. 

What is it that I want?

I can't be completely sure. I know I want to write. I love it. I love blogging and getting my thoughts out there. It makes me feel less crazy. 

I know I want to be known. You could say I want to be famous. How? I don't know. That is what I'll have to figure out. But it will happen. 

I want to be happy. That is a very vague statement. And I mean it in a vague way. I want to be happy with my life. I want to feel like I've done something worth while. Something to help others. 

I want to inspire people. 

"Strange enough. I don't love you like you want me to."

- Rachael