Cold Cold Heart

My best writing comes straight from the heart. When I'm in love or when I'm really sad or really angry, that's when I feel inspired to write. That's when my deepest feelings and emotions are able to express themselves. It allows me to think about the situation I'm in. That being said, right now is a really great time for me to get some stuff done.

In my oh so many years of dating experience (that's slightly sarcastic), I've come to learn that I'm really not cut out for it. Or maybe, I just don't fall for the right people. Ever. My longest relationship was 5 months. It would have lasted longer if he wasn't obviously a bad guy or if I was an idiot. Bad relationships last longer than they should for one of two reasons (or in some cases, both reasons). The sex is good, or one person continues to put in effort and the other takes advantage of it.When I was young and naive, I would fall for a guy and he would become my world. I put in the best effort I knew how. I would typically expect the same in return. I want someone who is head over heels for me as I am them. Someone who would make me a big priority in their life. But rarely did that ever happen. I've only really truly loved one or two people in my life. Mike, the most memorable love of my life, shattered my heart when I was 18. He disappeared and I spent an entire year feeling sorry for myself, whoring around, looking for someone that would remind me of him. That's when I was with the worst human that I had ever met. 5 verbally, emotionally, and towards the end, physically abusive months. Wasted. After a while, fate brought Mike and I back together, but things weren't the same... I had changed. I think he was ready for me, but I didn't realize I had moved on. In that year, I had realized my potential. I had blossomed into a beautiful, fun young woman that people (men mostly) adored. I loved the attention. I crave it. It's not a flaw, it's just what I like. I get plenty of attention at home. I'm an only child and I've always been the center of attention. I think of myself as a natural born performer. My point is, his attention was no longer relevant to me. He was nothing. He no longer mattered. I knew I was worth more and I could do better.

Fast forward, I haven't been in a relationship since... until now. It's been a rough ride with this guy. Like any relationship, it starts out really well. We have a lot of fun. We start to like each other a lot. We just kinda, get to know each other. Once we start getting more comfortable, our true faces start to come out. For me, I have an issue with the guys I'm with putting their friends (especially girl friends) above me. I have an issue with being "juiced." I heard this term from Mr. 5 Months and I've used it ever since. It's when you lead someone on to think y'all are gonna hang, then you back out/cancel last minute. You would think I'd be used to this by now. Guys do this to me all the time. "I can't hang tonight, something came up." "sorry hun, I'm pretty tired and I'm not up to chill." I can tell you I've never ever juiced anyone before. When I fall for someone, they become my world. I want to give them the type of attention that I want. I want to give them everything I have. But I've learned that when you do that for the wrong person, they use you or leave you. So I learned to not give someone my all. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel loved. I want to be their priority. But of course, that never happens. I'm never a priority to anyone. I'm never loved. No one ever makes me feel like I'm important. So I'm left with a cold heart, iced over with disappointment.

I think there was somewhere I was trying to go with that last paragraph, but of course, when you write something in the spur of your emotional breakdown, your thoughts go everywhere and you end up somewhere you didn't think of when you started. That's writing from the heart.

Go Faster, You'll Make It (Part 1: Not Quite Rock Bottom)

I feel nothing, yet I feel everything. It's as if my happiness has been turned off. People notice. They see that I'm different. I feel different. I feel sad. Depressed. Like nothing good will ever happen because I don't deserve anything good to happen to me. I feel like a terrible person. I feel like I'm not living the life I'm supposed to live. I feel like I'm moving backwards. I would like to say that I feel "less intelligent" but my long-distance boyfriend says that's not possible... what does he know.

I've tried a lot of things to make myself happy and nothing seems to work. Maybe this is why: I don't stand for anything. I don't have very good character. I don't have a lot of morals. I don't take care of myself. Most of all, I don't know what I want. I feel like I spend a lot of time by myself, but am I really thinking? What do I think about? Normally when I'm in the car, I try to listen to the loudest music I can. As of late, I get a headache when I listen to anything. Everything makes me unhappy. I'm feeling the way I felt when I dumped Mike. Undeserving. Emotionless or sad. There is no in between. My heart gets colder and colder and I get more and more afraid of becoming what I vowed to never be. I'm terrified of becoming a bitter, single woman. I want to be lovable. I want people to want to be around me. I want to not hate everyone and everything. I get mad at myself because I don't want to bring other people down with my attitude and bitterness, but I still want to be around people. I usually love people. But every now and then, I get in these depressing slumps and I have no clue how to get out.

Maybe I'm learning a lesson. Don't use people. Don't lead people on. Be real with people. Stop flirting with everyone and manipulating them. Hold out for someone special. Make deep connections. I'm looking for something spiritual with someone. My dad says I need a spiritual connection with God, but how do I even know He's there?

I need to make a change. I'm 20. I'm too young to be feeling like this. Lost and alone.

Eventually, when I get back to the intelligent, fun girl I used to be, I will get back to my informative posts, but for now, Rachael needs to find herself.

Love Exists, I Just Don't Deserve To Have It

I'm trapped in my mind.
I can't escape.
I've pushed so many people away.
I've isolated myself.
I won't let anyone get too close.
I know why.
No one gives a shit.
I won't burden anyone with my problems.
My problems are all internal.
What am I doing with my life?
Why am I here?
What is the point anymore?
I don't contribute to society.
I can't.
There is nothing I can do.
I try to find something I would like to do.
But my heart isn't set on anything.
I wander through life.
I'm going no where.
With no one.
I have no one.
It's better this way.
I hate myself.
So should everyone else.
If I can't love myself,
How can I expect anyone else to love me?

He didn't really love me.
Words are just words.
Then again,
For someone like me,
Words are everything.
I need attention.
I need admiration.
I wish I wasn't like this.
But I am.
That's just the way it is.
I understand we're in the "real world."
I'm not a fucking moron.
That's why I try so hard to be the best at everything.
That's why I try so hard to be happy in front of people.
That's why I try so hard to not take things seriously.
But it get's bottled up inside.
And a little thing could set me off.

I hate that his stupid, beautiful face keeps popping up in my mind.
I hate that I let him go.
I hate that he left me.
And I hate that I left him.
I hate him for hurting me.
I hate myself for hurting him.
If I couldn't love him, then I can't love anyone.
I don't deserve to feel love.

How the FUCK can one guy have so much power over me when he's not even a part of my life anymore?

I Miss My Person

I miss our semi-drunken conversations. I miss listening to you ramble on about sciencey stuff that interests you. I miss us being friends. I miss talking to you. But it had to end. When I let you go as a lover, I had to let you go as a friend. I couldn't hurt you like that. I couldn't let you watch as I go out and live my life when you wanted to live it with me. I couldn't take you along when I wanted and leave you when I wanted. It wasn't fair. I'm selfish. And you deserve better. I loved you. But my love is too much. It's an unfair love. Maybe I'm just a psychopath. I don't know. But I do know that I miss you and I wish you were still in my life. I wish you could have been my best friend.

I'm Not Okay

I wanted you to be someone you're not. I wanted you to come after me. I wanted you to chase me. I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to constantly feel like you never had me so you would keep putting in effort. And I wanted to feel like I was worth chasing after. That's what I do, I push people away because I want to be chased. I was a queen, and I wanted you to be my king. I wanted to be my overbearing self with you. But I knew you couldn't handle it. You didn't want that. You didn't really love me. Because you didn't know me. 

I Thought I Loved You

I did love you at one point. For the entire year you were gone, I thought I was in love with you. I went through countless relationships trying to find what I felt for you. I cried on other men's shoulders over you. But I couldn't find another you. You put me into a terribly dark place when you first left me. A place that I'm scared of now. When I found you again, that place came back to haunt me. I couldn't fall in love with you. I couldn't feel vulnerable again. I couldn't get hurt again. I wanted things to work out, but I knew that they couldn't. I tried to fight the overwhelming feelings, but it was too much. I tried to love you, but I couldn't, and I'm sorry. 

It's stupid how things work out. I finally got what I wanted after all this time. But after all that time, I come to find that what I wanted had changed. I used to blame you for the way I am. For the way I treated men. But now I realize, it's all me. I don't want to be this way. I didn't want to walk all over you like I did with so many others. You were different. That's why it had to end. You deserve better. It's funny really, that's what you told me when you left me. It was true at the time, and I did find better. But I never cared. So many people thought that feeding my ego was all I needed to fall for them. You starved me of attention. A year ago, it made me want you more. But now, it's nothing. I don't know what I want and it's not fair to you to be with someone like that. I don't even know where my life is going, how could I possibly handle a relationship that scares me? 

I never meant to manipulate you. Honestly, I don't think I did. Not intentionally anyways. I was internally fighting my feelings. You made me happy mostly. But there was always that sliver of doubt. I never felt like I could be myself because I always felt like I had to watch what I said. I was scared that I might say or do something stupid that would make you leave me. You knew and I knew that was not good in a relationship. 

It hurts me to think of you being happy with someone else. But I know that's going to happen. You're an amazing guy and I'm a stupid girl for letting you go. I hate myself for it and I do regret it. But I want you to be happy. And I want to be happy. I loved you. I still love you, just not the way you love me. I want to take care of you. I want to be there for you. I want to be your best friend, but the way things are, you don't want that. 

I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I've manipulated guys without even realizing it. And for what? I don't get anything out of it. I like people until they start to like me back. It's doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. I'm a retarded girl. You said it yourself. 

Sometimes I forget a relationship is more than just kissing and holding hands. You need to be able to go out together and do things. Like dates and stuff. I hate the idea of going out. I'm too awkward and uncomfortable. I enjoy the boring "Netflix and chill" life. I'm so stuck in my boring life that thinking of going out and doing anything entertaining is scary. I want to get out of that mentality. But it takes time and you don't want to be around to help me. 

I loved you. I tried. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Either way, I hope you're happy. I hope you find what you're looking for in life. I hope I do too. I'll always be around for you. 

- Rachael

The Passive-Agressive Post That Will Never Be Released...

NOTE: This post was originally written on Feb. 14, 2016. I never posted it because I could have gotten into a lot of trouble at my job. It was about a specific person I worked with who just so happened to be very close with the manager. So I would have gotten in trouble, because our boss was very biased. This was another piece I felt very passionate about writing. So naturally, I would never want it to go to waste, just sitting in my drafts. 

People love to gossip. It's human nature. We like to know what goes on in other people's lives. It helps us to feel like we're involved in someone's life. But it can also be a terrible habit when used in a negative way.

"Great minds discuss ideas,
Average minds discuss events,
Small minds discuss people."

I do not have a small mind usually, but I'm going to for the next few minutes as I write this post. I was going to try to put everything nicely and sugar coat all of this, but I'm feeling pretty lit about this situation and what happened. Normally, I like to take a situation and make it some general thing that can apply to everyone, but no. I'm pretty pissed about this.

People like you out of fear. They don't want to get on your "bad-side." BITCH if you got a "bad side" that is so terrible people should be scared, you need to reevaluate yourself. Reevaluate your personality. You're not respected. I would love to have people dislike me because they don't like who I am, rather than fear me because I could "ruin' them. What the FUCK can you really do? Get me fired from a job I don't need? BITCH you would be doing me a favor! But you know something? People like me. They don't fear me. They don't have to. I would never intentionally do anything to anyone to hurt anyone. I can act mean sometimes, but I'm never actually mean. But right now, as it is, I feel like being super mean. To you. No one else. Just you. Because you deserve it. No one has ever tried to put you in your place. I would, but it's not my job to. That's up to God how He wants that to happen. Besides, you aren't worth my time. After this post, your name will NEVER leave my mouth. I will NEVER look in your direction. I will NEVER ask you for anything. I'm sure you would be thrilled to find this out. Consider this my Valentine's gift to you.

I'm not afraid of you. There is nothing you can do to to hurt me.

To those who might be reading this (which is a very slim group of people) and are confused as to what is going on, basically, a bitch I work with passive-aggressively called me out in the middle of a meeting for being a "slut" or "flirt" or whatever, at work. (I can't help that I'm so pretty and nice and that's why guys like me.) Of course she denies it, but we all know that's not true. Especially me, because I do the exact same shit.

I would like to take a little moment here to the people who wouldn't address the problem who knew about it and it was YOUR JOB to address. You are worse than the person this post is about. Stop living in fear of a PERSON. A person who should have ZERO influence in your life. A person who is NOTHING. You are going NO WHERE. If someone ever says something negative to you about another person, you shouldn't talk to them. There is a saying "If someone gossips to you about someone else, they're probably gossiping ABOUT you to someone else." Don't be the person gossiping, because that person may lose trust for you as well....

So the lesson today is don't be a fucking bitch. If you have something to say to someone, tell them to their face. Don't be passive aggressive in front of a huge group of people. Because more than likely, depending on the crowd, everyone might know what's going on and it could cause someone to do something like passive-aggressively write a blog post on the internet. You get what you give.

"Hate is a strong word,
but I really, really, really don't like you"
- Plain White T's

Cunt.

-Rachael

Things I'm Learning (Pt. 1)

NOTE: This post was originally written Jan. 15, 2016. I got into some trouble over this post so I took it down for awhile. I am re-posting it now because, well... I can. It's my writing. It's one of my favorite things I've written. When I wrote this, I felt very passionate about what I was saying. Anything that makes me feel passionate about my writing is something I think deserves to be published, regardless of the consequences. 

As we grow older, we learn new things. Obviously that's going to happen. I've gone through a lot just in the past year. Seems as if I'm in that weird phase in my life where I'm figuring things out for myself and learning lessons on my own. I've had my heart broken so much, I've been hurt terribly, and I have hurt people. As much as I hate to say it, these things had to happen. The people who hurt you teach you to not give yourself away too easy. You harden your heart and that's okay. You find out what you do and don't like in a person. After I dated J, I realized how much I really don't like someone who is dependent on me. You shouldn't be with someone who feeds off of your happiness. It's especially hard for happy, optimistic people like me. We have so much love and positivity to give, but we tend to get taken advantage of because we like to make others happy. But of course, we learn from the hurt we experience. You can't make everyone happy. It's impossible. But that's okay. There are some people that just don't want to be happy. There are people that envy happy people so much that they go out of their way to bring them down. That is a huge lesson I've learned in the past few months.

I work with a woman who I think is a really negative person. She likes to talk a lot about things I think are totally pointless. But then again, I think a lot of the things the people I work with talk about are pointless. (I don't relate to anyone there.) This particular lady is very outspoken and "honest." By "honest," I mean she likes to share her own opinion that no one really asked for. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but basically, I always feel like I'm being judged by her... Because I am being judged by her. I don't care what her opinion of me is. She is irrelevant to my life, but I don't like the way she internally brings down other people. To me, she tries to be all high and mighty but really, she's insecure. She puts others down to feel good about herself. The sad things is, there are so many more people out there just like that. I sometimes wonder how a person can do that. Yes, I will admit I have had cruel thoughts of people I do and don't know, but I would never say them aloud. Saying those things doesn't make you honest, it makes you a word that I choose not to use..... It starts with a B.

The way I look at it, you shouldn't really even be thinking hurtful things about anyone. I try my best to see the good in everyone. I have always done that, but when you are placed into an environment where everyone is judgmental, you could become like that. "Birds of a feather flock together."

It's been said that the best way to keep a positive aura is to constantly be feeding yourself positivity. Everyday, tell yourself positive affirmations.
"I am strong."
"I am beautiful"
"I am happy."
When you say these things, you put that out into the universe. There is a difference between positive affirmations and having a big ego. An ego can be something you use to tell yourself how much better you are than other people. A positive affirmation doesn't tear anyone else down, but rather builds yourself up. It gives you a good, healthy amount of self-esteem. Whenever you start to think negatively about yourself, catch yourself and redirect your thoughts. You might not believe what you're saying to yourself at first, but soon enough, you'll start to notice changes. You will look in the mirror and you'll look different. You will be pleased with yourself. Every morning when I look in the mirror, I am close to happy with what I see. Yes, I have physical flaws. Scarring, acne, large pores, a weird nose... But you'll start to see your flaws differently. You'll realize that these are the things you're stuck with. These flaws are a part of you. As you think more positively about yourself, you will realize how these flaws make you unique and beautiful. Embrace your flaws.

Due to the fact that I have not written in a very long time, I could go on and on and on about lessons I've learned this past year, but I will spare you... This time. I have received comments saying my posts are really long, so I will be working on that. I know people nowadays have shorter attention spans thanks to apps like Vine, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.

I would like to share a little goal setting with you. I am planning to post much more often and get back into writing. I started my book, hopefully I can finish it this year. My blog goals are to post a "long," topic-based post twice a month (15th and 30th), and short little devotionals/quotes/poems every day or so. 2016 will be a great year full of change for Rachael.

God bless you and God bless America
- Rachael

Light Flow?

I have a million things that go through my head. You would think I'm high all the time. I'm not. But I feel as though the thoughts race through my mind at 100mph. I can never get it all down on paper. Words don't flow like they used to. I've been writing lately about my day and what happened and how it makes me feel in that moment. I've been writing about a boy who makes me feel a whirlwind of emotions. But nothing worth publishing. When I was younger, I liked to write poetry. It sucked, but I liked it. Words flowed then. But now, it's like I'm writing the same thing over and over again. I want to be inspired. I want a story. I'm one of those people that starts something really good, but never finishes. I lose interest and it kills me. But I'm trying.

Not Enough

You can try as hard as possible to be what someone needs, but there could be someone else who already has it.

3/17/15

So my dad knows we're back together. That's fine. Michael told me he loved me, kinda. I sent him a picture of dog balls and he texted me back "I love you." So that's pretty cool. I didn't say it back though. I asked him if he wanted to meet me last night and he couldn't. I sometimes feel like I'm not important to him. He won't make time for me. He doesn't give me the attention I desire. I'm trying not to be clingy or whatever, but it's hard. I just feel bad whenever he doesn't text me back. And I know he likes me and wants to be with me, but I think my love language with him is quality time. I love being with him. When we're together, I know he's mine. He gets stupid around me. He's adorable. We went to buy him swim shorts on Thursday and he posted a picture on IG wearing them. OMG HIS BUTT IS SOOO CUTE!!!

He's a doll. 

I can't wait to see him again. I'll probably see him either tomorrow or Thursday. It's like, I'm happy he's going to the gym, getting swole or whatever. But he goes like everyday at the worst times. I wish neither of us needed full-time jobs. I want to spend all of my time with him. We need something. He wants to be some sort of famous person. A rapper. Like I said before, I believe in him. But maybe he needs a back-up plan. I'm probably going to get pregnant and he's going to have to be there. Jk. But he would be. He wouldn't leave me. I know he loves me and he would be there for me. I sent him a picture of the ring I want. He says he'll get it for me. I bought him a G-Shock. A nice looking one. Now will match. But I haven't been able to give it to him yet. I wanted to last night, but NOOO.... he was too busy with H. H is great. He's a cool dude, but I don't know if I want Michael living with him anymore. I kind of want to move in with him just so he can get out of his situation with H. I feel like he's very dependent on other people. But I know, right now, if he wants to get out of his situation, he needs help. I want to help him. And I would if I wasn't terrified of my parents.

I love how Mike says "Polo." It's so cute! Whenever I'm feeling down, I just think of him saying "Polo" or "hoes." I hope our kids look like him. Cute AF, dark hair, brown eyes, cute AF!!!!!!

Nah but I'd like one of the girls to look like me. But I want a boy to look just like him. He'll be a lady killer. But I would teach him to respect women. Boys shouldn't be mean to girls. Girls are sensitive creatures. To me, I feel weak with Michael. I'm so crazy about him, he could hurt me so easily and he doesn't even know it. When he doesn't text me back and I think I'm unimportant, I feel really weak. All I want is to hold on to him. I want to be wrapped in his arms. That's the only time I feel safe. He's there to protect me. Everything is right with the world. I can't wait until we're living together. We're going to have so much fun.

Ugh I just need him right now. I need him to hold me.

I have this vision in my head. The perfect moment with him. We're on the beach (preferably in California), and the sun is setting. Someone takes a picture of our silhouettes, he's holding me, my feet are off the ground, arms around his neck. I have that perfect body I always wanted, wearing my cute pink bikini, and we're kissing, passionately. I want that picture. I want that moment to happen.

I want to go to the beach so bad. Unfortunately, I don't have the body or the time to do that. Michael is so perfect. He's gorgeous, chiseled, funny, kinda smart, and overall amazing.

My looking window is coming soon... I can tell.

I wrote this a year ago today in my journal. I was with my first love. A year later, I'm doing much better. If he tried to get back with me now, I would say no. What he put me through was hell. I would never do it again. I'm smarter now. But I crave the feeling I had for him. It's not smart, but I would have done anything for him. ANYTHING, I was so madly in love. I want to be in love again. I want the feeling, just not with him. 

Risk

Sometimes you hear a song that speaks to you. Literally. I heard a song the other day, Risk by Deftones, and it literally spoke to me. By this I mean, it felt like the song was talking to me the way you would talk to your best friend. It was like the song was holding me, embracing me in a warm hug. I was holding my hand, telling me everything was going to be okay. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a while. To me, it was sad. Because that means I don't have an actual human being to make me feel this way. I don't like to complain and that's not what I'm doing here. This just happens to be a difficult time in my life and I'm frustrated that I'm going through it alone. No one should ever have to feel alone.

RISK

You can't talk

I'm anxious

I'm off the walls

I'm right here just

Come outside

And see it

But pack your heart

You might need it

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I'll try for you

You're locked up

You exhaled

You did it before

I seen it

Come outside 

And breathe in 

Relax your arms

And let me in

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I will save your life

I'll try for you

I know what to say to take you

Higher, higher

No one else can take you higher

But I will try

I'll find a way

I'll confuse them

But I think I can try

I will save your life

I will save your life

I'll try for you

For you

Waiting

I was told to stop looking. I was told that the right people would come into my life. I was told to wait. To be patient. But how can i? I've been waiting. I've been patient. Now I have no one. Everyone has left. I'm alone.

I feel like I'm waiting for some kind of miracle. I never thought a miracle would be a person.

I'm Independent, But I Need A Person

I've never been one to rely on other people. But as a people person... I like people. I love people. How can someone as outgoing as me be so lonely? You would think someone like me would have loads of friends. You would think someone like me is always out doing something. Having fun. But that's not the case. I'm a loner. People like me, but they don't take me seriously. People don't bother with trying to make friends with me. And it's hard for me to make friends with them. I have loads of acquaintences. But I wouldn't call anyone I know a friend. People are nice. But I'm hard to understand. It's hard for people to get me. My weirdness and my thought process is difficult to follow.

I don't know what to do. I don't need anyone. But I need someone. I need a friend. I need someone who gets me.

Old Friend (Pt. 2)

You left.

You left me.

I'm alone.

I have no one.

Because you're gone.

Pointless Stories Pt. 1

When I was in 8th grade, I failed algebra. I remember in class when we would grade our own papers and shout the grade out to the teacher. We had the option to go up to her and show her the grade privately if we were ashamed. If I didn't do it, I would just shout out a zero. I didn't do it most days. But when I did do it, I wouldn't get anything higher than a 50. So my parents got me a tutor. I remember the first time I got a 100, my teacher made a big deal out of it... "oh yay! Everyone, Rachael did her homework and didn't fail!"

Luckily, I have a good sense of humor and didn't get offended.

The Weirdest Thing I've Ever Written

Tell me you love me
I'll pretend you mean it
Convince me to show you what no one else sees
I'm yours for the night
Make your claim over me
Soak in every park of me
I'll take in every inch of you
Touch me, feel me
Fuck me, hold me
Go crazy
Show me your dark side
Give me the best time of my life
Let me let go
Let me be wild
Fulfill my lustful desires
Make me believe I'm the goddess of your dreams
Fill me with pleasure
Make me glow
Tell no one
I'll do the same
Love me every night
Then I'll be happy everyday

Epiphanies

Girls like me, we're users. We find the thrill of chasing a guy so much fun. It's the most wonderful feeling. But once we get the guy, we're bored. The thrill is gone. The flirting isn't fun anymore. What's the purpose of flirting? It isn't necessary anymore. So we've tricked ourselves and someone else into thinking that we like them. It's the cruel, sick joke we play on ourselves. And it always ends badly.

I'm the type of girl who falls hard for the guy who just wants to have fun. The guy who isn't looking for the thing I crave so deeply. But lately, I've started to ask myself, what is it that I really want? I'm finally realizing what that is. I want something physical. I'm a sexual being. I don't want to fake myself into thinking I want something more, because that's how it's "supposed" to be. You see social media posts about how girls are these sensitive creatures and how we all want a relationship and want someone to love us. But on the inside, I'm of the male species. Sure, love is great. It's the best. What's good sex without fire and passion? But I know I'm young. I don't need a man to love now. What I want is someone who is my friend, who let's me sex them and wants to sex me. But in the situation I'm in, any kind of best friend would be great.

Times are changing. Sex doesn't mean what it used to. It's a purely physical thing. You can have sexual chemistry with many many people. But there's only a handful of people that you can emotionally, mentally, and spiritually connect with. So if you're a girl, and you find someone you want to have sex with, have (safe) sex with them. You're not a slut or a hoe or whatever. There are good guys out there that won't think differently of you. But please, don't be stupid. Be safe. STD'S are real. Pregnancy is real. It can happen to anyone.

Dear Rachael, Be Hard On Yourself

What is the real reason for this anger I have? Do I really care if this guy doesn't like me? Is that even important to my life? Why am I letting this small thing consume me? Why am I letting some guy affect my mood? He's just a guy. He's not even a bad guy. He's my friend. Or I like to think we're friends anyway.

You're stupid for being angry with him. You're stupid for complaining about it over social media. And you're stupid for giving it so much attention.

So why are you angry? 

I'm not angry at anyone. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry for being such a wuss. I'm angry because I feel so weak. It doesn't have anything to do with this guy. It's just me. It's all in my head. I'm not hard enough on myself. I have been lying to myself for years. I'm not the sensitive little girl I used to be. I know how to stand up for myself. I know how to be independent. I know all of the things I need to do to have the success I want. So why do I fake myself out? Stop that. Stop blaming everything on hormones or your current situation. You know right from wrong. Just stop being an idiot. 

Sometimes, I like to write myself little letters like this. I like to remind myself how strong I am. I tell myself not to cry over stupid things. All of the anger I have built up inside me is usually directed towards me. And I let it go in my writing. If I wrote songs, they would be angry, heavy metal songs.... 

Anyways, be happy. Love yourself. Don't let others get you down. All that jazz. 

- Rachael

This post sucks. 

Girl, You're A Swan

Girl

I think you're great

But you're not for me

You're pretty

You're smart

You're attractive.

But girl

You're not for me

I'm young

I got things going on

I know you're weak

But it's not my problem

You think I'm a god.

Girl 

Stay calm

You think I'll take advantage

No lie

I might.

But girl

Don't let me

I've got growing up to do

You do too.

So girl

Be smart

Stay pretty

One day

You'll find your man

He'll be capable of loving you.

Cause girl 

I'm not.

I used to wonder what the guy I liked thought about me... But now I start to think, he doesn't.... He doesn't think about me. He doesn't care. Why would he? He's perfect. He's gorgeous. He's charming. He has a large pool of fish to choose from. But then you realize, he's looking at the fish. His head is underwater. He can't see the beautiful swan right above him. It's not your job to help him from drowning. Either one day, he'll see you, or you'll move on. For now, all you can do is watch.

I Won't Fall, Unless You're Going To Catch Me

Sometimes you meet someone who makes you feel so weak

You fall for people who have baggage

You want to help them carry it

But that's all you can do

Carry

You can't help them unload it

Why?

Only the person knows. 

Sometimes we fall for someone who can't fall for us

It's not because they didn't see our worth

It's because we don't have what they need

Sometimes you tell someone how you feel

But they're unreadable

We wonder why we aren't good enough

There's always someone better

Someone prettier

Someone smarter

Someone who can give them what they need

Something you can't provide

I used to think it was okay to chase guys

If I want something

I do what I have to to get it

But as I get older

I start to think differently

When I was younger

I was told boys are stupid

I'm starting to realize how true it is

But aren't girls just as stupid?

We fall for someone who doesn't see our worth

They don't see what we could be for them

We would do anything for them

Then they take advantage 

And we know they do it

But we think they'll love us eventually

We come up with excuses on why we still want them

"They'll see my worth one day"

And we just keep letting them hurt us

No more

I'm done

I won't be left looking like an idiot

I won't be that girl

The girl who does everything for a guy who doesn't care

It's an internal struggle

My heart wants to take the risk

But my brain won't allow me to get hurt again

I'm scared to death of falling in love

Especially with someone who makes me feel this way

Someone who doesn't take me seriously

Someone who doesn't know what they want

Someone who gives me the giddy school girl feeling

Someone who makes me happy whenever they're around

Someone who makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I think about them

Someone who makes me feel nervous to talk to them

Don't fall

Because this person will not catch you

I'm Falling

I met a guy.
He reminds me of a time when I always had a loving, tingling feeling.
But he makes me forget about the last person to make me feel that way.
He makes me forget about everything I've done in the past.
He makes me feel like I can be better if I really tried.
He makes me feel like a giggly idiot because everything he says makes me laugh.
But he makes me feel like I'm not good enough.
He doesn't intend to do that.
But sometimes, we fall for people totally out of our league.
Sometimes, you're an 8 and you fall for a 10.
Sometimes, you feel like being an 8 isn't good enough.
Sometimes, you're afraid of this feeling because you don't want to get hurt again.
So you hold back.
You don't allow yourself to feel that feeling you once felt.
You weren't good enough for the last person.
Why would you be good enough for the next one?
You tell yourself you deserve better.
You tell yourself you will find your person one day.
You try so hard to have hope for the future.
But it's hard.
You doubt yourself.
You try so hard to be good enough.
You don't believe anyone will want you.
But you know that's not true.
People want you.
It's just not the person you want.
Because rarely do we fall for someone who falls for us.

"Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to know who we really are."
-Denny Duquette, Grey's Anatomy

I Don't Know What To Title This Post

I was scrolling through Facebook recently and came across an article one of my friends shared. It had some good points, but overall, it made me angry. Now I don't know if this is satire or not, I don't really care. There are many thins here that kinda angered me, but one thing that stands out in particular. Have a read, then I'll explain.

Tasteless Gentleman: You're Not a Princess and You Don't Deserve Better

Why is it that women never ask themselves what they did wrong in the relationship?  They never ask themselves what they did to cause the guy to leave.  It’s always the guy who “doesn’t know what he’s missing.”

Here's the thing when a relationship ends, this is what girl think. We do wonder what we did wrong. Or what we didn't do. What would have made you happy. In many cases, women are attracted to what we call "f*ckboys." It sounds to me like that's the kind of guy who wrote this article. I mean, just look at the author bio.

"Expert at leaving women disappointed physically and emotionally. Writer. Drinker. Humorist. Underachiever."

Not sure that’s the kind of guy I would want to take advice from. These are the kind of guys that expect random the random bj and think they deserve to be treated like a king when they don’t treat their woman like a queen. It seems to me if you need that from a woman, you don’t really love her. Hell, you don’t even like her and you DON’T deserve her. If you talk about a woman like she’s “basic” then y’all just weren’t compatible in the first place. That’s why you should never get into a relationship with a girl you don’t know all that well. I see all the time in TV shows and movies, guys dating awful women. Why? You KNOW she isn’t good for you! Why would you get with her in the first place? A needy man and a needy woman just don’t belong together. A lot of men and women have some growing up to do before getting into a relationship. So don’t place all the blame on the other person.

Men: Most of the time, women just want good communication and attention. No, we don’t need it 24/7. But take time out of your day to talk to us. If that’s too much to ask for, you should be single.

Women: Men want someone that makes them feel good. Not just physically, but emotionally, mentally, and sometimes spiritually. If you’re a woman of God, wait for a man who nourishes your soul and not your ego.

God Bless You and God Bless America
- Rachael

Anxiety

Anxiety is doing or saying something slightly stupid, then getting mad at yourself for doing it. Anxiety is telling yourself to not get mad at yourself but still getting mad. Anxiety is going to war with your mind. Anxiety is fighting with yourself on every little thing. Anxiety is having a panic attack when speaking in public, even in a small group of people. Anxiety is that horribly useless feeling when you feel like you can't contribute anything. Anxiety is getting worked up over the smallest things. Anxiety is overthinking. Anxiety sucks, but it's something everyone deals with at least once in their life. And it;s something you can overcome. Believe in yourself. Keep a positive outlook, no matter what. Everything works out. I promise. 

God Bless You and God Bless America

- Rachael

Don't Settle

"She tries so hard to live up to your expectations. She tries so hard to have your attention. She tries so hard to make time for you. She tries so hard to understand the way you are. She tries so hard to impress you. She tries so hard to make you proud of her. She tries so hard to be there for you. She tries so hard to help you get through tough times. She tries so hard to motivate you to get things done. She tries so hard to please and satisfy you. She tries so hard to prove herself to you. She tries so hard to look good for you. She tries so hard to do special things for you. She tries so hard to treat you better than the other girls have. She tries so hard to put a smile on your face. She tries so hard to show you how much you mean to her. She tries so hard to help you realize no girl out there is gonna love you better than she can. But despite her trying so hard, you somehow manage to make her feel like she isn't good enough."

I don't remember who wrote this, but I remember crying when I first read it. April 10, 2015. That was a really tough time in my life. The love of my life left me a few days before and I felt as low as I had ever been. That was the first time I ever had my heart broken.

Mike was my first love. He's the only one I think I ever truly loved. When he left me, I didn't understand what went wrong. I had never had a real boyfriend before. He was everything to me. I waited around for him all the time, even if I only got to see him for a few minutes. I spent every second of the day thinking about him. I had never been happier. We had talked about moving in together, getting a puppy, getting married, having children... The works. But I guess something in him changed because one day, he just stops talking to me out of nowhere. Though I will admit, I should have seen it coming. He had been telling me he's not in a good place and I shouldn't want to be with him. It's now that I know what he meant. I understand how he felt.

In the past year, I have dated many many guys. I am realizing that I am going through that phase of my life where I am finding out who I am. Between the ages of 18-25, you're finding who you are. What do you like, who are your real friends.... Your mind and what you want can change at any second. Within three months, I broke up with the same guy four times. There was a point where I had three boyfriends at once. I liked to think of it as keeping my options open, but really, it's me being indecisive. Or maybe, I just haven't found what I'm looking for. And now I see, I wasn't what Mike was looking for. And that's okay.

Sometimes, things aren't meant to work out. That just means there's something better waiting for you. In my experience dating the past year, I've learned to not settle. Don't settle for someone that doesn't make you happy just because they can provide for you. Don't settle for someone boring just because they say they love you. Don't settle for someone you fight with all the time just because they're good in bed. Do not EVER settle for someone you don;t feel a connection with just because you don;t want to hurt their feelings. It is 100% okay to think about yourself. 

Don't force yourself to be in a relationship. Don't feel like you need a relationship to be happy. Work on yourself. Develop yourself and work towards your goals and dreams. When the right person comes along, you'll know. If your person doesn't come, it's okay. Be independent. I promise, you don't need anyone. It's okay to be single. Everything works out the way it's supposed to. 

- Rachael

Journal Entry (9/27/15)

"I've been told most of my life to always think about the future. Begin with the end in mind. I hear it all the time. I think it's a good principle to live by. But it's not for everybody."

I like to go back and read my old entries. It's fun because when I write things, at the time, they mean something different then what they mean to me now. Looking at what I wrote above, I was feeling super anxious. It was yet another weird time when I was feeling lonely. I kept thinking about my future. But I was worried about it. I had terrible anxiety which only got worse as the days passed. Growing up, I did hear the whole "begin with the end in mind" quote a lot. I always had someone putting pressure on me. And sometimes it felt like too much. But it's now that I realize how much I underestimate myself. I think most people underestimate themselves. We are all capable of so many amazing things, but we don't have the belief we can do it. Luckily for me, I was raised be pretty good people who believe in me still to this day. I am learning how to believe in myself. Now my biggest problem I face is fear itself. I know that I have nothing to fear anymore. One you realize you have nothing to fear, you can accomplish anything. You know people will have their opinions, but who cares. They are not helping you accomplish anything, therefore, you do not need to listen to them. You do not need to associate with anyone who steps on your dreams. Don't let anyone hold you back. 

You got this bro.

- Rachael

11:33pm

Journal Entry (1/6/16)

January 6, 2016

To me, change is like a drug.
It's heroin.
I want it so bad.
I need it.
I'm addicted and having withdrawals.
If I don't have a major change soon, I'm going to die.
2016 will be the year of change for me.